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REMINDER: Reading this blog is NOT therapy and does not create a client-therapist relationship between us. Information contained within this blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute individualized advice.
Codependency is often a childhood trauma response. When we grow up with unpredictable caregivers, our nervous system learns that it’s safer to fawn than to be our authentic selves. When we fawn (also known as codependency), we are abandoning our own needs in favor of managing everyone else’s emotions to keep ourselves safe. At Corinne Blackmon Therapy, LLC (that’s me!), we use polyvagal theory, somatic therapy, and parts work (inner child work and Internal Family Systems) to help adult survivors of childhood trauma heal codependency.
If you’ve found yourself struggling with codependency in your relationships you’re not alone. Many childhood trauma survivors learned that in order to stay safe, they needed to monitor the emotions and moods of their parents or caregivers.
Why Do I Always Feel Responsible for Everyone Else’s Emotions?
Childhood trauma can teach our developing nervous systems that we need to manage others’ emotions around us to stay safe. This can leave deep seated wounds on a somatic level that are hard to address with traditional talk therapy alone.
From even before we are born, our developing nervous system is learning information about the world around us. Is it safe? Is it dangerous? Do we need to always be on high alert? When we grow up in a dysfunctional family system, our nervous system is constantly being barraged by stress hormones, providing it with the feedback that the world around us is unsafe.
In addition, when we have parents or caregivers whose emotions dictate the mood of the entire household, it creates an environment where we learn to be hypervigilant and monitor other people’s emotional “temperature”. For example, if we have a parent who tends to rage or is depressed all the time, we learn to tune in to their emotions to keep us safe. When we’re kids, staying ahead of how the mood in the house is changing feels like it can keep us safe. Maybe we can try to cheer up Mom or prevent Dad from flying into a rage, making us feel like we can control the emotional temperature of the house. Maybe Mom and Dad even praised us for how good we were at cheering them up or keeping everyone calm.
When we grow up, that can turn into codependency, which makes our emotional state heavily dependent on how others are feeling. At its core, I like to think of codependency as needing others to be okay so that we can feel okay. While it sounds benign on the surface, trying to control others’ moods can take a huge toll on our emotional wellbeing. Being codependent means we’re on the rollercoaster ride of someone else’s emotions all the time - so if that person has a volatile emotional life, we’re along for that ride too.
In our bodies, codependency can feel like:
Constantly being “on edge” when we sense someone else might not be in a good mood
Scanning faces in a group when you’re talking to see how what you’re saying is landing
Walking on eggshells around a person with volatile emotions
Getting an angry email or text message and feeling our chest tightening and breathing stop
Panicking when someone is upset with us
This is the somatic impact of codependency (or fawning): it doesn’t matter how much we try to use logic to convince ourselves that it’s okay for someone else to be mad at us or that we don’t have to people please. It’s also why “top down” therapy approaches don’t work well for codependency: our body and nervous system needs to know and feel that we are safe. This is what is often missing from “top down” approaches. There’s nothing wrong with you if traditional talk therapy hasn’t been enough to address codependency. Codependency, people pleasing, and fawning aren’t “personality flaws”; they are quite literally our body telling us it isn’t safe for us to show up in an authentic, genuine way.
How to Heal Codependency When Talk Therapy Isn’t Working
Regular talk therapy (also known as a “top down” approach) can often fall short when addressing codependency. Using “bottom up” approaches like polyvagal theory, somatic therapy, and parts work can help us feel safe in our bodies and learn that it’s okay to be authentic instead of people pleasing.
Polyvagal theory offers us an understanding of how our nervous system was impacted by the trauma we experienced in childhood, and offers us somatic tools we can use for nervous system regulation. Parts work (including both inner child work and Internal Family Systems) offers us the opportunity to learn how to be compassionate with ourselves and grieve what we lost in childhood. When we people please or fawn as adults, it’s just a younger, caretaking protective part who learned that we had to do that to stay safe. We can use parts work to access compassion for that part and learn to listen for what that part actually needs. Does it need to know that we will set a boundary with that person who is angry with us if we need to? Does it need to know that it’s okay for others to be angry or upset without it meaning anything about us? Parts work gives us the tools to be able to accomplish this.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Childhood Trauma and Codependency
Is codependency a symptom of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)?
While it may not be strict ICD-11 criterion for the diagnosis of Complex PTSD, codependency absolutely can be a symptom that childhood trauma survivors with Complex PTSD can experience. Childhood trauma can lead to chronic hypervigilance (aka being on high alert) in relationships, which can show up as codependency. We learn that in order to stay safe, we have to abandon ourselves and be hyper attuned to everyone else’s emotions.
Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries?
Setting boundaries can be hard when we learned to be codependent to stay safe. Using a parts work framework, we can view this as a younger protective part (or inner child) who has learned that saying no puts them in danger, or could lead to rejection or abandonment. If you were a child who knew that setting a boundary was going to lead to relational consequences with your parent, you probably wouldn’t want to do it if it meant risking the relationship.
Can online trauma therapy help heal codependency?
When we address the root of codependency (the lack of safety in our body in relational situations), we can learn to heal codependency. At Corinne Blackmon Therapy, LLC (that’s me!), we offer virtual trauma therapy to clients in North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, and Vermont to help them work towards healing codependency using polyvagal theory, somatic therapy, and parts work.
Childhood Trauma Therapy to Heal Codependency
Corinne Blackmon Therapy, LLC (that’s me!) is based in Greenville, SC and provides 100% online, virtual therapy to adult survivors of childhood trauma (oftentimes also known as Complex PTSD, or C-PTSD) in North Carolina, South Carolina, Vermont, and Florida.
Healing from codependency can be challenging, but the right support can make all the difference. Ready to get started? Learn more about how we can help support you in your journey to healing from codependency and becoming your most authentic self!